‘There Are People Who Have It Worse’

For context: I briefly mention COVID and COVID measures. At the time of writing, an individual can only see one person (this has to be the same person: the ‘cuddle contact’) indoors, and up to three people (with social distancing) outdoors. Bars, restaurants, movie theatres, gyms, (most) sports clubs, and so on have all been closed. Working from home is mandatory. This has been in effect since late October. I’m not taking a position on all of this at any point, it’s just handy to know when reading.

It’s been almost a year since Europe got its first taste of the coronavirus, and what a year it has been. A year filled with misery, death, bankruptcies, conspiracy nutcases, and opinions.

Oh, opinions. The fuel of many a social media discussion.

Perhaps it’s a huge mistake, but I like to follow online discussions about the virus and the measures that the government likes to take. Not because I particularly enjoy it, but because I have nothing else to do, and quite often I see one of the most air-headed statements any person could make pop up in these discussions.

There are people who have it worse

-Knuckleheads

If you’re the kind of person to say this to someone who’s genuinely crying out for help (I’m not talking about people who dropped a dollar down the drain or whatever) then you’re a fucking asshole. Of course there are people who have it worse, you absolute weapon. There always are. If that’s the standard then we might as well abolish all therapists. ‘What is that, Kelly? Your parents died in a horrible car crash and your sister hates you? At least you have a sister you ungrateful LITTLE BITCH.’

Of course many people have the decency to not trot out this tired old cliché when someone’s parents just died in a horrible car crash, but I see it time and time again when people are discussing their lives in the COVID era. You’d see some poor student who has to live alone in what’s basically a jail cell in their dormitory pour their heart out about not being able to take it much longer, and along comes some mansion-dwelling wine wife with a garden the size of a football pitch to inject some wisdom. ‘Your grandparents lived through the war, if they can do it then you can do this too.’

Okay, and the grandparents of my grandparents probably shat in the streets because there was no plumbing, and getting a common infection meant almost certain death. That doesn’t mean we have to live by those standards today. I’d like to see Karen over there in her lavish house go without a hot shower and functioning toilets for a week or two, see if we can roll out the old ‘back in the day‘ defense then. This kind of stuff would at least make some sense if it was said by people who actually lived through the war, but the closest thing these people have seen to war is when they were fighting over toilet paper to hoard prior to the first lockdown.

Another nugget of ‘wisdom’ that often gets thrown around is that ‘people should focus on what they can do instead of what they can’t do‘. That one’s not so bad in my opinion, but it still misses the mark spectacularly. Telling someone with a passion for playing pub league football with their friends that they can still go for a walk with up to three pals and that they should be happy with that is nonsense.

It’s as if you’re telling a diehard death metal fan that they can’t listen to any guitar music anymore but hey, at least they can still queue some Mongolian throat singing tunes.

It’s not the same.

Yes, going for a walk (or a run) is still exercise, but it’s quite literally not in the same ballpark as playing football (or basketball, or baseball, or …) with your friends. Would you tell someone who just lost his wife that it’s not so bad because ‘he can still find other women‘?

And I know that any activities where groups of people gather are more dangerous, and I know that there’s a reason that football is currently banned and walking isn’t: everyone knows the reasoning behind these decisions, but that doesn’t make it any less shitty for the people who are suffering right now. You can be well aware and supportive of why some decisions are made and still feel bad because of the consequences.

I say that because quite often you see people who dare to complain about the current situation get lumped in with the idiotic ‘yo it’s just a flu bro, the government is inflating the numbers‘ crowd. When someone says something like ‘I’d love some perspective, I really miss playing football with my pals‘ you can bet your sweet ass that a bunch of raging bedroom virologists immediately come stumbling out the proverbial door, tripping over themselves to shout hot takes such as ‘wow fuck you, people are DYING and you are thinking about FOOTBALL?‘

Now, of course you could say that popular social media platforms are known for this black or white way of communicating. On social media, the middle of the road is just like privacy: it doesn’t exist. You don’t go to Facebook or Twitter for a nuanced discussion, but the problem is that for some people there really isn’t much else to do these days.

There are only so many times you can Zoom a friend to vent about your problems before their internet connection mysteriously takes a dive, and you can only see one person up close in real life so many people don’t want to waste those precious moments to discuss the misery that is their current existence.

Some people are genuinely at the edge of the abyss because of these coronavirus measures and as such take to social media to vent, and I’ve sadly seen a lot of these genuine posts and comments be buried in stupid replies or downvotes. I’m not saying that people should have lengthy conversations about the meaning of life with every stranger on the internet, but as the old adage goes: if you don’t have anything useful to say then shut the fuck up.

I was almost finished writing this thing when a friend of mine posted an image of some lady who commented ‘read Anne Frank’s diary, then you’ll know this isn’t bad‘ underneath an article about a student who feels depressed after months of lockdown. It’s as if someone from the heavens just dropped this little gem that perfectly describes what I’m ranting about so I just have to include it. You’ll have to excuse the ham-fisted segue.

Pack it up, people. Mental health has been solved! Here’s a probably accurate transcript of all future therapy sessions:

      "Doctor, my crippling anxiety combined with a weapons-grade depression are causing a vicious circle and I'm so afraid that I will never climb out of this dark pit of despair."
      "Yes, but have you read Anne Frank's diary?"
      "Gee wiz doc, I was completely unaware of one of the most famous people in world history, nor did I know that she had a terrible life in the second great war! With this newfound knowledge I now realize that my problems are futile, and that I should not complain! My insanely complicated and interwoven feelings of dread and despair have suddenly drifted off and my brain has already compensated for the lack of serotonin and dopamine production."
      "That'll be 85 dollars."

Yes, Anne Frank had it worse. I’m not saying Anne Frank had a grand old time or whatever, but that doesn’t matter. What you’re really saying to people when you spout shit like this is that their problems don’t matter. You (almost) never see people do this with physical problems either.

Imagine someone saying ‘I have breast cancer‘ and then having some enlightened piece of shit respond with ‘see people with pancreatic cancer and you’ll know this isn’t bad.’ They’d be kicked in the groin on the spot, and rightfully so. People are unique, and so are their problems. ‘Having it better‘ doesn’t mean you are immune to mental health problems. It’s not as if depression is some sort of virus that gets transmitted through maxed out credit cards.

There’s also the fact that mental health issues still are not treated as if they can be an actual long term (and debilitating) illness by a lot of people in our society, and it’s causing harm. It can take a lot of courage and strength to finally open up to someone about feeling like absolute crap. You’re at your most vulnerable point by then, and if that person brushes you off as if you just said ‘I have a mild toothache‘ after you’ve laid bare your entire heart and soul it can be crushing.

Even if you were just complaining about a minor toothache these people would be going ‘oh please, there are people who lost all their teeth in a gruesome war for their homeland.’ See how stupid that sounds? Yes, technically it’s the truth, but that doesn’t make the pain go away, nor does it even matter for that person at that point in time. If the voices inside your head are telling you to kill yourself it doesn’t really matter that some person who lived in a different century ‘had it worse.’

Now of course there’s another side to the coin as well. Everyone deals with their own shit, so no one should be expected to basically be the on-call therapist and listen to soul-draining cries for help every day because that too takes a lot of willpower and strength, and it’s wrong to constantly expect that from your friends, let alone from strangers on the internet.

If you’ve got genuine problems it’s okay (or it should be okay in this day and age) to talk about them with your friends, but remember that professionals go through years of training for a reason. If you’re really feeling as if the war inside your head can’t be won then you should contact a professional. After all you don’t ask your bar buddy to heal your broken finger or cure your sinusitis, do you?

Anyway, I’m not here to go deep into the human psyche: I just wanted to complain, so I’ll end it here. Stay safe, support each other, and don’t hesitate to ask for help if you feel like you need it.